I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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