is your mom at the bar?
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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