I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
i love accidental penises.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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