We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
