Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
