I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
