we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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