I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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