If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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