I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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