in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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