hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
