Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
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