Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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