update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
