I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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