Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
