I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
