Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
