you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
