why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
