i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
