69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
