foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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