if i can run in heels then i can drive
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Still dying that you shit outside
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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