She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
