i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
