yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
