your parents love me but you hate me
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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