Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
