I am puke
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
