Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
