Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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