mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
God gave him joint rollers for hands
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
