If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
