FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
BRING THE BAGELS
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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