So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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