R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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