so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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