Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
