I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
