She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
