When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
