You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
