i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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