Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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