Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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