I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
