I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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