I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
