Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
