does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
