I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
